omg, long time since I blogged, I know. hehhhhhh.
school has been mad hectic. I never knew life could be so busy until now... Okay fine, I'm in a club & society cca, but that doesnt make me any less busy D; PW, Tests, Lectures, Tutorials, Homework are all eating up my time like there's no tomorrow.
BUT
I'm not abandoning this blog yet okaaaaaay. hehe.
I'm blogging now cos I've some stuff to let out :/
In sec 3 & 4, after the first 2 or 3 failed tests, I somehow got used to it and could just laugh it off when I failed subsequently. lol. Its like I could somehow remind myself that, the school was just trying to demoralize us, and I wouldnt ever let myself get demoralized.
But here, I feel like an idiot whenever I fail yet ANOTHER test. :(
Everyone around me is doing way better, everyone seems to understand at least what's going on. BUT I'M NOT. :( I'm so afraid for my jcts, so afraid I'm going to fail everything, at the rate of going. When I got back my bio test, it was like the last straw. I failed econs, failed maths, failed gp (okay fine Idk the marks yet, but c'mon I only got like 1.5 marks for summary ;x), even failed my freaking napfa 5 items (sbj, expected). And its like now bio, my favorite subject? I studied really hard for this test cos I told myself that I was sick of failing, and yet I STILL failed.
At that point, I turned to cally and said, "I think I should really drop to a poly."
AND I REALLY MEANT IT.
In the past, I was all prepared to go to a poly and pursue mass comm/pharmaceutical science. I persuaded my parents and everything. Even when eventually I changed my mind and decided to try for a jc, I was planning to go MJC or something. Yet with my olevel results, I put TJC as my 1st choice (discounting NJC which I'd never have gotten into anyway), and got in, knowing that it would be a tough journey.
Right now, I don't think I'm suitable to be in this school anymore.
Right now, I don't think I have the brains and ability to be in this school anymore.
Its expecting so much of me. Grades, Napfa, everything. And I keep failing, I keep falling from all these expectations. And it really hits me hard each time, like what am I doing here??
The people are awesome, really. I love the back row. I have made so many awesome friends here.
But every single time I fall from yet another expectation, I feel even more unworthy of being in this school.
I want an escape. I need a breather. I'm so tired. :/
and I don't know what to feel/think about you.
Most complicated feeling I ever experienced -.-